I just don’t understand the algorithm of life
It’s something of a conundrum to me how at every breaking point when I am absolutely decided that this is when I’m giving up, something unexpected happens that makes me eager to put my all into whatever-it-is again. Without fail, as soon as I admit defeat, opportunities I gave up on hoping for, rewards I resolved I wouldn’t receive, and appreciation I thought would not be acknowledged, all burst out of nowhere and make me wonder – perhaps this bit of the battle is one that I won…?
One teacher taught me the greatest lesson on training my body: work harder when the body feels weak, it will (IT DID) prevail. One dance class, from many years ago, taught me a lesson that impacted so many aspects of my life. I wasn’t feeling great, but rather than not show up, I wanted the teacher to see me “make an effort”, feel sorry for me, and send me home. Not so with (the fabulous!) Julia Gleich, my ballet teacher at Laban Centre in London. She insisted I participate and work as hard as my body would let me. Oof! And here I thought I’d get to relax. But a miracle happened, just as she told me it would. With the body too tired from fighting whatever cold I had at the time, I had no more strength to work against the movement instructions I was given. And so it was, that just when I thought my body had given up, it was exactly then that it aligned perfectly and executed the movements with precision (well, nearly…).
This happens in my writing too. I generally have some idea of something I want to write about, but sometimes I have nothing. NOTHING. I stare at a blank computer screen, I imagine looking through the shelves in my brain, but nothing comes. So, I give up, play solitaire or watch some dumb film I watched a million times before. Something comes to mind which I think “meh… well, I’ve got nothing else, this will have to do”. And that becomes the blog or the post that gets the most traction.
And who can forget about love! I was so eager to find love, but it just didn’t happen. A daring friend actually told me that I was reeking of desperation! I have to admit that that was the best thing anyone could have ever said to me. So, I stopped chasing after men hoping that they’d love me. Many months later, I met up with a friend whom I first met at a gig a few months earlier, when he performed with his band. I told him that I was tired of London ‘boys’, and was now looking for “a real man, who will father my children and love me forever”. And so it happened, he was the man that I married 8 months later. A few years later our first daughter was born. It’s not so much that love happened when I least expected it, but that it happened when I stopped forcing ‘squares’ into the ‘heart-shaped’ hole in my life.
Just like I don’t understand the algorithm of my social media, I don’t understand the algorithm of life. Work hard, persevere, and just don’t give up! …but when you do give up, don’t be surprised if life suddenly tells you, “You can’t give up, you’ve already won”.