We are what we see in others

We can only understand a language that we know. We can only see shapes and patterns that we use. We can only relate with behaviours that we have tried out. We make assumptions about what is being said, what is being shown and how others present themselves according to our personal experience and what that experience meant to us.

There is a common phrase that goes something like: “you hate things about others that you mostly hate about yourself”. That’s partially true. The behaviours we recognise have meaning to us from when we behaved in that way, how much success those behaviours brought us, and how we felt about ourself and our life achievements as a result of those chosen behaviours.

“Not true,” I imagine some would say, “I’ve never stolen anything from anyone, but I still hate burglars”. The point is that we don’t have to become a burglar to recognise situations and feelings that may have led to that action. Envy is an emotion experienced as early as our toddler age (I remember those other kids’ toys were always so much cooler than my own), we’ve all experienced frustrations when others reached successes in their career that we haven’t (yet). We’ve all wondered if having made different choices in life would have brought us more prestige, better relationships or financial fortunes.

We may not like where our choices brought us, we may even hate it. We may consider our misfortunes to imply that we are less worthy than those who succeeded. We may hate the feeling of worthlessness or we may hate the envy in others’ success. So, we hate the burglars for the envy that brought them to steal from someone else. The same envy we didn’t like in ourselves.

Important to point out that the same is true for the things we love and admire about others. When we compliment others for their looks, their actions, and their successes, it is necessarily because we recognise those attributes in ourselves. It may be that we haven’t yet reached these achievements, but our own choices and actions are showing us the way to succeed in those aspects that we recognised in others.

“So, does that mean that a compliment to another is just a way for us to stroke our own ego?” I’ve been asked. My answer is – absolutely not! A compliment lifts everyone involved in that moment – those on the receiving end have been recognised for efforts they made, have been told that their efforts mattered, and it is implied that they have inspired others to journey up to their success. Those giving the compliment shine a light on an uplifting moment, on inspiring actions by others and, in vocalising the compliment, have reminded themselves that they too want to be in the place of goodness that they’ve just shone a light on.

We are what we see in others. So, if we see negatives, it is an opportunity to reflect on how we can improve. And when we see the positives, we should carry ourselves with a sense of pride for the good things that we are and the good things we offer to the world.