How’s that guilt working for you?

What does it mean to feel guilty?

We feel guilty because we’re aware of having done something bad which we can’t change. Nowadays this includes others’ (mis)interpretation of something we did in the past or even hypothetical things that we might (or might not) do in the future. So, if you can’t change the past, you can’t change someone’s perception and certainly you can’t change a hypothetical possibility that’s never happened (and may never happen), what can you do? Feel bad forever. How’s that going to work for you?

Why do people amplify the guilt factor against us? And why do we do it to ourselves?

Ever had a friend or family member amplify the guilt? A good dose of passive aggressive behaviour with barely audible tones of judgement cornering you to the place of no return? I’ve had my moments, on both sides. Never particularly helpful on either side, ESPECIALLY if it’s self-inflicted.

Pushing the guilty feeling on others is a power play, a cowardly way of voicing what’s wrong, without allowing a conversation to develop. There are no offers of how we might resolve the repercussions of the bad actions we may have (or may have not) taken. There is also no offer of forgiveness for the regret we may show for our transgression. Perhaps the person acting as judge & jury and pushing on the ‘guilt’ may fear being judged for their actions too.

And why do we do it to ourselves? Could it be that we’re taking a righteous stand by admitting our wrong-doings not realising that we’re simultaneously compromising ourselves by offering no possible resolve or forgiveness? Is it a copout from responsibility to take action to absolve our wrongdoing or ask for forgiveness? Or maybe it’s just that we only know the strategy of judgment and are yet unfamiliar with how to actively take steps that can help us to create resolve or allow for forgiveness.

What actions should we take then?

Take responsibility for your actions, absolve yourself from responsibility of how people perceive them. You did something wrong? Own it, then do something about it. Are there actions you can take to make right from wrong? Are their people you need to apologise to? Are there actions you now know not to repeat? Improve yourself as a result of the realisation and be grateful for the life lesson. Most importantly, forgive yourself, it may be that this was the only way you could have learned this lesson, it could be this was the way you had to learn humility; it could be that this was the last time you made a mistake so big. Onwards and upwards!

And to your internal voice of judgement - on top of the steps above, it’s worth considering what this voice is trying to say or rather trying to hide. What actions do you need to take to make it go away, why do you need to forgive it? What lesson do you need to be grateful for learning the hard way?

Goodbye guilt, hello actions.

Guilt really has no useful purpose. It’s like a huge boulder blocking the front door. It’s just an inconvenience, a numbing one at that.

Instead, take actions. They might be relevant to the previous actions you took, and it might be actions that take you to a place where you can start anew, with lessons you’ve previously learned to help you make wiser, kinder choices. Actions keep you moving forward, aiming to do better in life for those around you and for your own betterment.

No one is perfect, and guilt will only shed light on the imperfections. Aspire just to be better, to learn and to be humble.