To the child in me – this is not your fight

So often we find ourselves in interactions, where are emotional response takes over any logic, any reason and any self-control. A stranger in a shop makes a comment about us to their partner, “why are they talking about me, is it something I said, am I doing something wrong, what is everybody else going to think?”; the headteacher at the school calls us to speak about our child “am I in trouble because my child is in trouble? Are they going to kick my child out because they don’t like how I am as a parent?”; a friend seems to have disappeared “what did I do? Why don’t they like me? Who will they talk to and what will they say about me?”. There are many different scenarios, but the reaction is generally one of a chock-full of debilitating emotions, like anger, shame or upset. These emotions are often followed by a swift conclusion that the result will necessarily be bad for our future and our reputation. Another feature is that we perceive “the other” to be dominating the situation, whereas we ourselves are but helpless victims.

What is this reaction? Who is this reacting? How is this helpful?

The reaction is a well-oiled, potentially subconscious, pattern which we used in the past, often times in our childhood. How old were we when we first reacted in this way? People are often surprised that they feel like a child-version of themselves. Does that mean that there’s a trauma there to work through? Perhaps, but not necessarily. Understanding this is often enough to help us move on.

So how do we move on?

A useful exercise is to have a dialogue with our younger selves, whereby our current adult self explains to our younger selves, “hang on, I’m an adult now; the child in me needs to move aside and let the adult me deal with this”.

1) to the child in me, you are always part of me and I love you

2) to the child in me, you have made choices, which you are not aware of yet, but have helped me come this far in life

3) to the child in me, I have more experience, more knowledge and more strength to deal with this current situation

So next time you find yourself in a situation where a wave of adrenaline fills your body with debilitating emotions and a sense of helplessness, take a moment – breathe in, close your eyes and say to yourself “to the child in me whom I love and appreciate, this is not your fight. You are always in my heart, but I, the adult, need to deal with this and I CAN. I can protect you and all that our in my heart”. Now deal with whatever you’re facing and let your adult strength shine.