If I stop
If I stop, what will I default to? I’m tired of what I’m doing, but I don’t know what I’d do instead. I don’t think that what I’m doing is helping, but I don’t know if not doing it, would make me better off. Maybe I will be better off doing something different, maybe I’ll be better off just stopping whatever I’m doing without something else in place. The valley might be much more beautiful than the top of the mountain – the question is, is it the beautiful valley that I will actually default to?
I’ve done yoga, martial arts, dance, swimming, walking... I loved them all, there were times I’d wake up at 4am so my workout would be done before 7am and be home at 10pm after a dance class. But at some point, I stopped. Partially kids, partially work, partially everything else in the world. Time lost meaning and I never know when to schedule the things I loved. And without being consistent, I don’t really love them anymore. Without sharing them with people, I don’t really look forward to doing these activities anymore. But there is a void, filling up only with memories of how much I loved moving. So occasionally I do a sunrise walk, occasionally I go for a swim, occasionally I put my headphones on when my kids are asleep and dance, occasionally I dance with my kids. ‘Occasionally’ keeps me from falling too far away from the valley which I hope to return to.
I used to read books – facts/ fiction, in English and Hebrew. I used to have conversations about the books, the ideas, the authors… It felt like my mind was growing and my world was expanding, my soul was enriched by life far and beyond my physical body. But at some point, I stopped. Partially kids, partially social media, partially endless online podcasts, and films, partially because the world stopped talking about anything, but one thing. I have attempted to return to reading a book, yearning for the moment when the book grabs me, so that I just can’t stop reading. But distractions were welcomed in and the books gathered dust once again. It’s not so much the expansion of knowledge I’m missing, because I’ve certainly learned A LOT from podcasts, films, and articles (even from tweets and photos from knowledgeable, talented people around the world). It is the quiet time to absorb the information, the opportunity to ponder new ideas, and to connect to ideas that I’ve already learned. I miss learning new things without the hyped-up emotions that come with the online delivery of information. In a sense, I feel like I’m walking up the mountain, away from the comfort of the valley, through brambles of reality. Perhaps, reading a book again might lead me to some peaceful, painless paths along the way.
I used to love being with people, especially meeting new people – in courses, in parties, on daily commutes. But most of that has changed and now everything is done online and I hate it. You can’t share a look of understanding with someone on zoom, you can’t be sure if when engaging with someone online they actually care about the interaction or just about the traction to their account or about selling you something (like more followers to not engage with). Without the ability to gauge people’s reaction, you can’t be sure if they get your joke or miss the punchline because timing and tone don’t come across on text or broken video calls. I suppose broken connections are better than none, but how long until something becomes so ‘broken’ it actually turns to ‘dust’ and then the connections are not longer. I don’t stop connecting, I can’t stop connecting, it’s a human default. Even a random chat with a random person at a random shop and a random place enriches my path and reminds me of the beautiful valley I used to love.
If I stop, my body would force me to continue. If I stop, my memories would pull me to keep going. If I stop, my human instincts would push me to act. If I stop, my default would be to move again in a way, to a place and with people that I love. So, I keep going.