So, I don’t fit in

I never really fit in anywhere. I get on very well with people but always remain as an outsider. I’m not even sure if I’m an outsider because I’m not invited in, or because I never want to stay. But I do live in a constant contradiction of wanting to be part of a group and not wanting anyone too close and personal, and I just don’t know how to bridge this contradiction.

I love having people to bounce ideas off and excitedly engage in a conversation about a mutual interest. And at the same time, I have a habit of nit-picking ideas and contradicting the details (my ideas as well as others). The desire to seek truth means I both want to be affirmed that I’m on a good thought trajectory, and yet not rest on my laurels and check the details.

I love moving in sync with others – same direction, same movement style, and joint choreography. And yet I also like to improvise and move in whatever style and rhythm when the moment takes me. I prefer to dance with other people, but if it means I have to conform to their style, I tend to go off and dance on my own. Being a small drop in an ocean of people, I suppose I keep wanting to check that my presence makes a difference, and going against the stream is my way of finding out.

I love meeting new people, learning about their perspectives, exploring their customs, and oftentimes adopting some of what I’ve learned. And yet, I am very guarded about my own way of life. I’m guarded because I feel like I’m not quite there, my way of life isn’t quite in line with my values and I don’t find it helpful when people point out the contradictions. And yet, it feels lonely not to share the journey with other people. I keep learning and relearning that other people’s path is different from mine. We’re all walking together, each on our own lonely path – we criss-cross, we walk parallel, we move towards one another, or walk away in different directions – in the end, we’re all alone, united by the one world we share.

So, is it just me that doesn’t fit in? Or is it that everyone battles with the desire to be as one with the world, but uniquely their own individual “one”? Were we destined to be a united group, or do we need to keep the rebel inside searching for better ways, betters moves and better people? I suppose a bit of both, I suppose some days are for strengthening the bond, and others are for daring to break free.