My Aversion to Dependency
Being dependent is a highly unreliable practice. The person/ the thing/ the environment could all change or disappear, and somehow, I would still need to continue on. I will have to start anew, claw my way back to a place from which I can begin again. It’s enough that I have to begin again because of my own failures, I do not want to have to do that because of failures of someone or something I’ve grown dependent on. And so, my aversion to dependency begins.
I have not been so dependent on a relationship that I couldn’t walk away. I have not tried recreational drugs and I rejected any doctor’s advice for long-term medication. I refused to accept that my environment is unchangeable. And, no matter how much respect I have for scholars I have met and/or learned from, I would always find a flaw that prevents me from idealising them. There is a loss in this, it prevented me from going on adventures that others hail as wonderful life experiences; it prevented me from committing to paths that I may have strived in; and maybe it prevented me from solidifying relationships that would have benefitted my career. But I know for sure, that my failures are mine and therefore I have the ability to correct course. I also know for sure, that my successes are mine and building on the rewards and the confidence those bring will, inevitably, bring me more successes.
Just to be clear, I am not an introverted person wishing to live in solitude, far from people that may hurt me. I love people! And, quite honestly, having my feelings hurt from time to time, has actually been good for the soul – it forced me to grow. But I don’t like depending on people. People change, I change, and we don’t always change at the same time or in complimentary ways. I cannot depend on people to save me. I can’t depend on people to befriend me. What if they can’t? What if the don’t want to? I don’t want to delegate my responsibility to take care of myself. It is for me to know what I need and for me to figure out who might be able to help me with things I cannot achieve on my own. It is up to me to be someone that people would be willing to help or befriend because they want to, not because they have to. It is up to me to be willing to help and befriend those around me, not because I need something from them, but because I recognise that one day, I will need help or want their friendship too. When we don’t depend on one another, we can build a genuine equal relationship, even without being “equal”.
I have strong religious beliefs that impact my opinions on current affairs in the worlds. And yet, I see my religious experience as a constant path of growth in search of Truth. I refuse to depend on a specific school of thought or on the message from a thought/ religious leader. Truth exists, but so does corruption. Someone wearing a uniform of a trustworthy person, does not necessarily mean they are trustworthy, be it due to them being misguided or malicious. Being misguided is not the same as being malicious, but misguided ideas can cause harm and therefore should be challenged. If challenged in good faith and withstand the challenge in good faith, then I learn and adapt to new and enlightened understanding of the world. But if unchallenged, or offered in bad faith, then I will not accept them out of pity for the messenger, but reject them out of commitment to find Truth. Bad faith is easily spotted – if the message being offered comes with a threat or with shame, then the messenger is not offering Truth. Some Truth is painful, but it brings with it an honest, loving, respectful way forward – it does not need to be forced upon you, because it just IS.
I want to be healthy; I want to look nice; I want to feel strong. And there is so much advice on how these can be achieved, often times contradictory advice. And then there’s me with my aversion to dependency. I don’t want to rely on specific “health foods”, I prefer to avoid the “non-foods” and figure out my way by what’s available to me. I don’t trust food supplements; I prefer to know why they are important and what natural way I can find it. And I never liked medicine, especially that which is offered long-term. My view is extreme, and my husband is certainly not fond of it – basically if I can’t survive on my own, without input from companies who will profit off my illness, then it might be a sign that that’s my time. Just as I don’t want anyone/anything to “help” me die before my time, I don’t want anyone/ anything to “help” me live when my time has expired. It is my responsibility to be in tune with my body, and seek out useful advice to maintain good health. Beyond that, I refuse to outsource my health. If that means “I’m stupid and I’ll die”, then let it be so; that is of no consequence to anyone that would hold that view anyway.
My aversion to dependency lies in the knowledge that whoever or whatever I might be dependent on, I will never be their main priority. But I need to be mine, so that I can depend on myself to constantly look out for my own self-improvement. I don’t want my relationship with the world to be that of mutual dependence, but of mutual respect and appreciation that when we lift each other, we all benefit.
With that outlook, I entered the therapy field. I noticed many people who sought to rid themselves of unproductive dependencies in their lives, ended up replacing those dependencies with a dependency of their therapists. Whilst this might be a better option, I believe that the purpose of therapy/ counselling/ coaching should ultimately be that one is given the tools to continue on their own; to confidently find their path with healthy relationships that they have established; and to choose an inspiring environment that will help them with their personal growth and their search of Truth. It is with this outlook that I work with my own clients. As proven time and again, often times, all people need is a new life perspective to set them free to move forward with confidence. I don’t want people to depend on me, I want people to use the tools I can offer to help them depend on themselves with confidence.