Am I confident?
I am and I’m not. I have no problem meeting new people, I have no problem speaking to a large audience, I have no problem trying out physical activities, artistic pursuits, or anything else of the sort – I might not enjoy it particularly, but it’s not due to a lack of confidence. It’s not something I’ve learned, it’s just how I’ve always been. The problem starts when I start to self-reflect. Self-reflections rarely end in anything positive. I will always find how I should have done something different, better or not at all, and how the choice I made is detrimental and a key point to all the failings in my life. It’s tiresome, it’s non-productive and it happens naturally. This isn’t something I learned, it’s just how I’ve always been. What I have learned over the years is how to reduce the negative impact of these self-reflections and increase the influence of positive confidence. This learning has been empowering and it is my mission to share it far and wide.
The confidence vs self-reflection strife is most common in my thought process. I constantly live in two extremes where I am absolutely convinced that I am totally right in my approach, and at the same time absolutely doubt that any of my viewpoints are based on truth or are of any use to the world. These could be about worldly political matters, spiritual/philosophical matters, or thoughts about nothing at all. These viewpoints are my telescope from which I see and experience the world – when I am confident the lens seems clear and when I am full of doubt, the lens looks mucky and foggy, leaving me worrying if I know where I’m actually at in this world. My way of clearing the fog is to acknowledge my doubts with a confident voice saying: “it’s good that you’re still searching for Truth, I’m here with you with the Truth that you have already questioned and resolved, let’s keep journeying together”. When the doubt is in the company of confidence, it doesn’t feel so doubtful.
The confidence vs self-reflection strife doesn’t stop with matters of thought, it continues with vigour to matters of the body. I am incredibly confident that I eat well, I am strong, I am flexible, and I understand my body (and generally how the body) works. After all, I’ve trained as a dancer, I’ve been doing yoga forever, I learned how to cook healthy meals, and I rarely see a doctor. And yet, here I am overweight and exhausted, not doing the dancing and the yoga I know how to do, despite knowing that I feel good when doing them. My healthy meals overly disrupted by my love for Nutella (in a drink, in a cake, on a spoon…). The disappointment I feel knowing what I could be if only I did what I already know is good for me distorts how I view myself in the mirror and how I carry myself as I move about the world. My way of undoing the distortion is comparing my current self to an unhealthy extreme that I might achieve if I continue as I am. As I do this, I choose very easy changes to commit to, things I used to do easily, and things I used to love. And I make a point to carry myself (in my walk or my posture) as if I’m at the health level I plan to be. So I start by loving my body and take easy actions to justify it.
The last, and most prominent aspect of my life where the confidence vs self-reflection strife impacts my life is in my social life. Throw me into any room (well, nearly) full of strangers, I will easily speak to people, make friends, and give a speech, with no problem at all. Leave me to reflect on my relationships with friends or family over the years, I will get palpitations for things I could or could not have done differently to maintain a better relationship (or one at all). Time and again it seems there’s a mismatch with intensity, with subjects of interest, with sense of humour, with people of interest (and loyalty to them). Relationships would rarely blow up, normally they would just wither and fade away. Sometimes I’d be relieved that we’re not forcefully maintaining a friendship neither of us is enjoying, and sometimes I’d feel lonely for not having many people to call or text or go out with. My way of resolving this contradiction is to put the emphasis on people that have stayed in my life, people that I love, people that are my rock and inspiration. I make a point to dedicate some time (even if just a moment) to think what it is about these relationships that works – what is it that I offer them and what is it that I gain from them – and for that, I give thanks.
It is an odd experience to live in contradiction of absolute confidence with unending self-doubt. It is not something I learned, it is just how I am. What I have learned is how to give my confident side the winning edge. And in my work (on myself and the work I do with others), I found that the key is to quiet down the doubts that arise from self-reflections and increase the time and effort in taking action, actually doing things – like comforting my mind, walking as if I’m at my best, and showing appreciation to people in my life – to give my confident side a chance to be confident in the world.